I've made a decision to live my life as if this is the only one I will ever be given.
This may come as a shock to some of you reading this, and it may very well hurt and disappoint you. However, I can't apologize for it because, just like you, I am simply human, living under the umbrella of the human condition, and I'm doing my best to figure out this crazy thing we call life. (See my previous blog post for my thoughts about the human condition https://www.annamcbrideartwork.com/post/the-human-condition)
There is one thing I am certain about: I will never feel guilty about my dreams and passions ever again.
There has been one dream that has permeated my life since I can remember and that is to write a book. The other dream has evolved through many trials and errors, of creating and selling my creations, but that dream has been to make a living off of my artwork.
And then there are minor dreams and passions I have:
hike the Appalachian Trail
learn to dance (salsa & ballroom)
travel all over the world
experience other cultures & their traditions
explore NYC & other major cities
join a soccer league again
Help those who have missing or unsolved murdered family members
sing in a large choir
buy a small parcel of land on the Big Island of Hawaii
Over the past 3 years, I have harbored tremendous guilt over my dreams and passions, and All of that guilt stemmed from my religious beliefs. I tried to convince myself that my goals weren't meant to be enjoyed in this life and that everything worth living for is in "the next life".
I squashed many of my desires and the things I felt passionate about to pursue one of the highest teachings within the religion: Deny Yourself.
World travel was too selfish, dancing was sinful, my YouTube channel about missing people was taking too much time away from my only purpose of living now: spreading the religion, buying land in Hawaii was, as I was told, of the devil, singing in a choir outside of my church would be too worldly and it goes on and on.
Eventually, the only thing that mattered was the religion and everything else dissipated into the ether like smoke.
But reality is always there to hit you hard, and I'm thankful for that because, after a bad trip to the West Coast where I threw myself into the religion with unbridled zealousness, I realized it was okay to pursue some of my dreams... but here is the catch... as long as I did it in a certain way.
I'm going to let you in on a personal secret: I started my art business out of fear!.... Yeah! Fear.
I was fearful I wasn't living up to the extremely high standard put on women within the religion. Yes, I was a homemaker, homeschooling mom, devout religious person who was very involved in her church, wife, and homestead keeper, but it still wasn't enough because I wasn't pulling in some kind of income to help my household.
So I started my art business, wrapped it up in the religion, and even though the guilt was still there, I followed after this dream.
I also started writing a book, and the only way I was able to push guilt's ugly head below the water was by knowing that my entire book was written to convert the reader to the religion.
These passions, these dreams, what I was doing it wasn't really mine. It belonged to the religion, and now, I believe I need to take those things back and make them come from my heart and dare myself to say: My dreams are valid and they are worth pursuing without a single ounce of guilt.
If I'm lucky I may have another 50 to 60 years of life ahead of me. Wouldn't that be amazing?
And I refuse to live another precious second of it with the thought that my dreams are selfish and I should "only be focused on the life to come after this one."
I'm not going to live like I have another life awaiting me beyond my death. Or that life will be far better after this one. I am going to live like this is all that there is. And every moment, every minute, every hour is so deeply precious. The colors become brighter, the scents sharper, the tastes richer, and the excitement of life explodes!
My dreams! Oh my precious dreams and passions! The fuel to a life well lived. I will follow those, I will do all that I can with what I have to make them come true. I hope to set this example for my daughter. I want her to see a mother strong and resilient to life's roller coaster and in the face of every set back, of every failure, she is still saying: follow your dreams and never give up.
Hopefully one day I will be sitting on a beach chair under the palm tree of my Hawaiian property sipping a cold drink, after a long dance session, finishing the last few sentences of my sequel to the previous New York Times best seller, knowing that another adventure awaits me right around the corner.
Or Maybe not. Maybe none of that will happen. And that's okay. As long as I tried and as long as I stopped feeling shame over the exciting passions life evokes.
If you are reading this and you are like the old me, feeling guilt over your personal goals and passions, I want you to know that they are valid, and they are worth following after, as long as your dreams aren't directly hurting another living being.
I'm relieved to be where I am right now, and although I'm not certain about the big questions in life, I am certain about one thing: Follow your dreams without guilt.
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